Grief can rock the very core of your soul, causing your emotions and behaviour to be erratic at times. It can display itself in a person as suffering with mental health issues because of how inconsistent one can be in a grieving state of mind. One cannot always clearly articulate or describe how they are feeling because they are unsure themselves. A grieving person therefore, needs a strong support system, usually someone they can trust, on the occasion it can someone they least expected.
Being a support is not for the swift or weak at heart neither is it a part time job. You may enjoy being supportive by nature but the kind of support that a grieving person requires may go beyond what you can give. You require a special God-given gift that you may not have even recognized you possessed, until that very moment of support. You may not even want to be that support because of the responsibilities and emotions that come with it. After all, it is a long term job by personal choice that you have consciously signed up for which could take weeks, months, years or a lifetime. Yes it sounds overwhelming but know this, if God has put you in this position He will equip you with all that you need.
What Not To Do As A Supporter:
To support means to lift up, carry, allow yourself to be leaned on but not abused or emotionally manipulated, willing to carry the burden, and not to make others feel worse or as if they are imposing.
Never devalue or diminish the person’s grief by making your own experiences seem more important than theirs. It is not a grieving contest. God gives each individual only what they can bear, it was not personally chosen so if their situation seems dire to them, it is. Respect them and what they are feeling.
Say less and listen more. Sometimes silence is what they need just to think or maybe they do want to talk about it at that moment. Follow their lead because sometimes you can say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Even a well intentioned verse can be given at the wrong time. It’s not that the verse is wrong it’s just that they may not be ready to hear in the midst of grief…”all things work together for good….” Touch is a powerful medicine and has the ability to soothe a breaking heart. If you feel it appropriate, give a hug or hold their hand. Actions do speak louder and can be less painful than words.
Never ask a grieving person if their loved one was a believer. They know if they were or not but the very last thing they need pointed out or reminded of is where their loved one is spending eternity, especially if they were not a believer. To them at this time all that matters is that they have lost someone they loved.
Never assume someone else will do it. Be a support once you are in the position to do the same, even if you are in the company of their family and friends. You have a responsibility to do your part however great or small. The saying is true “you know who your true friends are when you are in need”. Even though they may be blinded by their grief at that moment, when the dust settles they will remember who was there and who was supportive. Remember your time may come at some point, consider being in a group of people needing comfort and no one reaches out because they are assuming someone else will. If you truly care about the person no matter who is present it is your responsibility to reach out. Perhaps you are the only one equipped to meet their needs at that particular moment. So if you have signed up for the task, support no matter who is present.
As much as humanly possible try not to forget the anniversary of the death. Considering all the technology available there really is no excuse even if that means you put it on your calendar. If you have experienced a close death yourself you are aware of how alone you can feel. In the newness of it all, it may seem like no one cares even if you hear laughter around you from strangers who are just living their lives as they aught. Your life has changed forever. You are angry because you want people to acknowledge your pain and it takes everything within you not to scream out your feelings, that they should not be enjoying their lives because you can’t . It would mean so much to the person if you acknowledged the anniversary or the deceased person’s birthday. Remember as your life has gone on these yearly anniversaries are stumbling blocks that they cannot escape, it truly helps to know you are not alone or that someone cared enough to remember. Their life has changed forever and abruptly, no more phone calls, texts, birthday or Christmas wishes, letters, cards or visits. Even though no one can truly replace the loss of another you are capable of filling a gap. Even if they never say it with words it is remembered and appreciated….it is also remembered if you don’t.
If the loss happens around the individuals birthday don’t think it inappropriate to acknowledge the birthday in some meaningful way. Although life may appear to stand still for that person, in reality it has not. No one wants to grieve, sometimes for that brief moment the person would prefer to escape their current situation by doing something fun as much as they can. Being distracted by hearing happy birthday or reading a birthday card is a welcome change than hearing the sadness in people’s voices as they offer their condolences prior to their birthday or opening yet another sympathy card. It’s not that they don’t appreciate it, they just want it to stop at least for a moment. It may not make sense but despite the situation don’t you want them to stop hurting? You want them to enjoy their birthday, you want to show them how much they are loved on their birthday despite the fact their loved one has passed and is unable to celebrate with them. There maybe no other birthday more important than that one in light of the circumstances. Cease the moment and make it special for them, pay them a visit or take them out. They welcome the break from making funeral arrangements.
If you are a family member who is the supporter do not take it personal. Everyone is different so don’t think it wrong or selfish if the one grieving does not want to attend family functions that they always attended. Depending on the relationship they had with the person who has passed it would be too difficult especially if it was someone they lived with. Yes the family in general may miss them as well but there is much to be said about traditions especially one such as Christmas. See: Coping with Grief During Holidays Perhaps that one had a leading roll in the preparations of such an event starting from weeks prior. The person grieving may be selfless knowing that their mood could but a damper on the event by spoiling it for others. Simply respect their wishes, you can even make a point of visiting them if they are within reach.
One important factor is that the supporter definitely needs support themselves. Even though you may feel that it’s important to do it can also wear your down because of the emotional roller coaster you can experience. If it gets to a point where you are emotionally drained or you are losing yourself take a step back to regroup and refresh. You cannot neglect your own welfare and that of your family. You cannot be of support to anyone if you are in great need yourself.
Try not to say, “I know how you feel,” that fact is that you don’t. You can show empathy and sympathy but you don’t know exactly. We all have different relationship with our loved ones, the life you have shared with your spouse, parent or sibling would be completely different from theirs. It may have been complicated, strained, or even abusive, but the love went deep. As a supporter, don’t judge the grief shown, only they know the truth of the relationship and depth of the loss.
Never presume to know why the death occurred like the friends of Job. It may be obvious like in a case of the loved one losing his life while committing a crime. As a believer you acknowledge that the Lord allowed it for His reason…leave it there.
Ultimately, support in the way you would choose to be supported. If you have experienced grief yourself you can say after the fact what you appreciated and what you didn’t, furthermore you may acknowledge what was helpful and what was not. Sometimes in the midst of grief you cannot fully appreciate everything or anything that is being done because you are consumed in your grief. Don’t think of your experience when you are supporting someone because you did not have a clear mindset during that time. You may know the grieving person personally and far better than someone who has known them all of their lives. Let that knowledge be your guide.