Author: Sharon Myers

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This pandemic has caused and even forced many of us to reflect. This is not out of the ordinary. As humans beings we are innately reflective. As soon as we open our eyes in the morning our brains rev into action. We reflect as we get out of bed, as we brush our teeth, take a shower and begin our day. But, what are we reflecting about? Most of us are consumed with those things deemed important; work, finances, school, the latest trends and more. Right now many of these things are insignificant. Full realization of what we have been forced to undertake has truly set in. Some of us are panic stricken, and afraid. Others are grief-stricken due to loss a loved one. These are desperate life-changing times. It is definitely the time to turn our thoughts and focus inward. It has given us pause to think of times past, time spent with loved ones past and present. Hopefully, it has in-sighted a heightened appreciation of the ones we love.

It is good for us to be contemplative and reflective. However, we must strive to guide and guard our hearts and minds by directing and re-focusing our thoughts. What are the important things to contemplate? Things which are useful, hopeful, positive and beneficial. These things should be uplifting, while propelling us forward instead of spiraling downward in despair. In the midst of this challenging time we cannot not lose hope. The Bible says in Matthew 12:34b: for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Therefore, whatever we think, often becomes what we do, and what we do is an attestation of what is in our hearts. What is in your heart?

Now more than ever we must take control of our minds. This will enable us to move purposefully towards a fulfilling life. A fulfilling life is deeply reflective and dedicated to living a productive life of service. A productive life is guided by positive thoughts. Such an individual possesses great moral character. According to Matthew Kelly, the actions of our lives are determined by our last dominant thought. Human beings are contemplative. To contemplate means; deep reflective thought. What should we deeply reflect on? We need to direct our thoughts Christ-ward. We must constantly ponder and pattern the life of Jesus Christ. What are we focused on now? Has the pandemic altered us in any way? Do we take time each day to meditate on the word of God? What do we contemplate the most? Whatever we contemplate most is that which guides our actions. As a believer, the thing I want to contemplate the most is how I can positively influence those around me for Christ. How can I minister to my children, family and students? Finally, how much impact does my love and interaction have on them?

What is your focus? Have you cultivated the seeds and talents that God has planted in your heart? Don’t waste your time seeking after those things which are insignificant. We have one life to live, there is no dress rehearsal and time passes quickly.

Born into a loving christian family I was loved unconditionally by both my parents and two brothers. I was particularly close to the brother 4 years my senior. We were inseparable throughout our childhood. Growing up in Jamaica was amazing; climbing trees, riding bikes, totally care free. As we approached the teen years we continued to be close and later though we studied at different universities, still maintained a very unique twin-like bond. Had we known what was to come, how much more would we have treasured each and every moment together. Fast forward, twenty years….

I met my wonderful husband when most women my age were already married. At that point however, I had experienced enough in life to know what I didn’t want in a marital relationship. By the time I did meet the one God intended for me, I was no longer seeking, I was resigned to the possibility of remaining single and just wanted to serve the Lord with all my might. So that morning as I assembled along with the rest of my peers in the college chapel I dutifully followed along until a charismatic young man was called up to lead us in prayer. By the end of prayer, I was curious, the prayer had deeply touched my spirit and although I knew I would never approach him, I was deeply aware of his presence at school. Unknown to me, he too had noticed me and and made some inquiries through a common friend. Time passed and our paths never crossed as our majors were very different. One day, our common friend called me aside and said Sharon, “there is someone I would like you to meet”. I thought nothing of it, until I rounded the corner and there stood the prayer warrior. Instantly, I knew he was going to be my husband. From the start we had a connection unlike any other relationship I had ever had. I had always been drawn to other young men because of their charm, outward appearance or some other superficial attribute. He on the other hand, spoke about things as if we were comrades, friends, colleagues and most importantly joint heirs with Jesus. I had never met a young man so on fire for the Lord and leading others to him. Since I knew that I wanted a life with someone committed to serving others, I knew we were meant to be together. As such on July 6, 2002, I married my true love.

My brother was a little hesitant, but supportive from the start. The fact is in life, we all have our doubts, doubts that cause us to hesitate or to be cautious especially with life’s most impacting decisions. When God is at the helm however, we know we can never truly go wrong. After all, His word states: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Without Rohan, I could not have survived the loss of my brother in July 2011, he was and still is, such a constant pillar of unwavering support. Unfortunately though I had unrealistic expectations for this support. Such expectations can cause damage, unnecessary conflict and emotional pain. I expected him to comfort me in certain way. Therefore, at the outset he was at a disadvantage. I was not the easiest woman to deal with or to console. There were times of conflict, hurt, misunderstanding and uncertainty. But God knew my pain, hurt and heart. He knew how and what I needed even more than I did. Through Rohan, he provided exactly what I needed at just the right time.

Loved ones God is our ultimate source of everything we truly need. He knows what we need, when we we need it. This holds true no matter what stage of life this post finds you, whether you are grieving the loss of; a spouse, a friend, a job, a parent, a child, a marriage, or if you simply feel empty and alone. If you are not grieving, but simply feel lost and as if life has no meaning, know that God is the solution to all of your challenges and fears. He loves you more than anyone else in your life ever will; He promises that he will never leave or forsake you and that: “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee…”

There are many faces of grief; anger, shock and even denial. It affects us in more ways than we wish to even acknowledge. This in turn affects the people around us, especially those closest to us. I often think of the day when I heard the news. I remember every detail. I remember the phone call, the look on my husbands face, and the way his voice quivered, as he told me the news I wished I never had to hear. I remember the pain, disbelief, anger, frustration, denial and numbness. Instead of embracing and accepting the news I ran away, I did weep, but I also pushed away those closest to me, especially my husband.

When we are feeling emotional pain, we turn ourselves inward, we become selfish and wrapped up in our own feelings of anguish and despair. We sometimes alienate those who more than anything want to stand by us and comfort us. When my husband told me that my brother had passed, he tried desperately to comfort me, but I physically pushed him away. Ever since that moment I have continued to push him away emotionally. The one with whom my spirit is knit, the one who is supposed to be closest to me in life. I have never admitted this openly, but at that time I didn’t care how the constant rejection made him feel. I was so engulfed with my own pain and my own feelings, that I didn’t acknowledge the fact that he too had a relationship with my brother and was also grieving. Had I not been totally engulfed with my own pain, we could have endured the pain together which would potentially draw us closer together.

The truth is relationships themselves are challenging, even without external influences and extenuating circumstances. We all bring our own past experiences, backgrounds, expectations and unique perspectives on life into our relationships. Therefore, if couples really want a relationship to work they have to be fully committed to each other. It takes time, effort hard work and most of all prayer. In walks grief and even the best of relationships can fall apart. Even if one spouse remains the same and never changes, it only takes one situation, or obstacle to create friction and cause a relationship to go spiralling out of control.

In my situation my husband loved and stayed by me although I constantly pushed him away. It reminds me of Jesus and how we sometimes discard him and try to walk life’s road alone. I am truly blessed because my husband could have decided that he was tired of trying, of being constantly rejected and trying to be there for me. Why should anyone keep on trying when someone wants nothing to do with them? I often think back and feel so ashamed, but at the same time I feel blessed. Blessed that he would love me so much to never give up on or leave me. Likewise, even when we forsake and turn our backs on the Lord, He never turns His back on us. He states in His word that he will never leave us nor forsake us and his word is tried, tested and true.

It is my hope that this post drives home the fact that our relationship with our spouses are the single most significant and important relationship in this life. We should pour as much time, effort, and investment into them as we can, while we can. Set aside time to connect, talk, share, and pray. The one thing we can never do enough is communicate. Let us not allow circumstances such as grief, drive a wedge between ourselves and the mate God provided for us. Instead, let us treasure every moment, create memories, pray together and draw closer together in the midst of trials. In drawing closer together instead of pulling away, we ensure that he/she knows that (besides our Heavenly Father), they are the single most important relationship we treasure in this life.

As stated in my last post those left behind have much to endure: inner conflicts, paralyzing grief, unwelcome comments,  public scrutiny and their own daily routine. Many feel they will never recover from the agonizing grief and crippling pain. Others, never anticipate the loss, have no idea how to deal with it and suffer in silence. They go through the motions; work, school, chores, church and traffic much like a programmed robot. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them life continues  all around them as they fumble around in a daze.

Many, despite our knowledge of God’s unfailing love, look toward earthly sources for comfort. Similarly, others with no knowledge of a loving creator, seek relief in all the wrong places. They may: talk with friends, seek counseling, lay in bed all day, keep busy, seek momentary relief with food, alcohol and more.How does anybody survive this dark, challenging and trying time?  In an attempt to extinguish the unrelenting pain and hurt, one can spiral out of control into a dark abyss of depression, sadness and despair. But alas, there is hope, you don’t have to go it alone, God the comforter is our ever-present help.

He loves us  more than anyone on earth, knows the number of hairs on our head,  our hearts and our hurts, understands what we are going though, feels our pain and will be there for us if only we would call on Him. When we need a helping hand He is there, when we need a shoulder to cry on He is there, with His arms constantly outstretched towards us. He holds our hand when we fumble, He’ll catch us when we fall and He will comfort us in the midst of our despair. Whether you are saved or not this prayer below can help restore, save, grant peace and comfort. Open your heart to Gods’ healing power upon your life.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for creating me in your image. I acknowledge that you are the Supreme God who loves me unconditionally, who sent Your only Son Jesus to die so that I could live.  In the midst of my devastating loss, where I feel so lost and alone, reveal yourself to me. Comfort me in your loving arms so that I may feel peace only the Holy Spirit can bring.

Amen

 

Moving on to everyone else may seem simple and inevitable, but to one who has experienced loss it is the most difficult task one ever has to undertake. After the initial discovery and after-shock, the grieving process begins. Life does not come to a screeching halt. One still has to interact with others at work or school and carry out routine tasks. Those left behind have to endure inner conflicts, paralyzing grief, unwelcome comments, and public scrutiny. The latter two are possible to overcome, but coping with inner conflict and paralyzing grief is a formidable task. Inner conflict may stem from many things; whether it be feelings of; betrayal, the pursuit of happiness, or success. In any case, does moving on seem as if one has forgotten their loved? The answer is a resounding no! For a loved one at peace with Christ and rejoicing in glorious eternity, there is no thought for what is earthly as we know it. That being said,  if our loved ones were concerned with things earthly wouldn’t they want us to be happy, healthy and successful?

Paralyzing grief varies in intensity what remains constant however, is how it affects us on a daily basis. It changes us and  hinders our ability to function effectively at home, at work or at play. Will this ever change and is trying to overcome this paralytic state wrong? Jesus Himself dealt with crippling grief, yet, He continued to carry out His fathers calling on his life. How can a believer overcome and weather the storms of inner conflict and paralyzing grief? If we are striving to be Christlike, we too must push through the grief by gathering comfort and strength from the Holy Spirit during our tenure on earth. Our Heavenly father knows we will encounter trials, tribulation and distress, these obstacles build character and draw us closer and closer to fulfilling our own destiny in Christ.

Although moving on may seem hard and challenging, it is necessary. It is not forgetting, it is cherishing the memories of time spent with your loved one, fulfilling your own destiny in Christ and looking forward to reuniting with your loved one in eternity.

 

Really Saying Goodbye

I guess you really are gone. Somedays, I feel like I can bear it, other days I can barely move. As life goes on all around me. I feel helpless and alone. Every challenge seems magnified. It was always good to bounce ideas off you. You were so wise. Last year you prevented us from making a bad investment. Please, please come back! You mean more to me than I realized even those looking on saw our bond. I get angry with you sometimes. You were such a fighter why didn’t you fight and survive?

I miss you so much! May God be my solace, for nobody else can be.

 

When you lose someone you love, your life changes forever. There is a void where the one you loved once occupied. Your life takes on a new meaning and your focus, purpose and perspective changes. Memories once suppressed, resurface. A true appreciation of your loved ones accomplishments, qualities and character is realized.

When you lose a loved one, you are driven to do things,  you were not motivated to do before. Their memory permanently etched in your mind is the driving force behind every thought and action. There is a renewed strength and sense of purpose. The loss propels you forward much like an oar propels a boat.

Every morning it is the first thing that occupies your thoughts, and the last thought at night when you lay down your head. How could someone so wonderful talented, hardworking, thoughtful, caring and ambitious be gone just like that? One who made such an impact on all with whom they made contact. Yet all around us life goes on as if nothing happened.

When you love someone and lose them, you will never ever be the same again. they were a part of who you are and always will be. They forever impact your choices, thoughts and actions. Somehow, you can feel them with you as you work and attempt to live life without them. The hurt you feel never goes away. It may momentarily sink beneath the surface, only to reappear without notice. Losing someone is unlike any other experience; parallel to none. Another being can never identify with one who has experienced such devastating loss, even if they have experienced loss as well. Everyone is affected differently, grieves uniquely and heals at a different pace.

If you  are surrounded  by those you love, always ensure that they feel appreciated, cared for and loved. Life is very unsure.  No-one wants to live with regrets and no-one gets a second chance.

 

Special moments after loss are never easy. A birthday an anniversary, vacations, family reunions, school reunions, road trips, bingo or poker nights, car shows and races. Those are days you fondly remember, where memories were created and bonds formed. Each person has their distinct place in that memory. We remember who was at the grill, who dunked everyone in the pool, who was the joker and who was a real pain and extra playful. That’s what made the moment special. This unique spot in the life of, and memories of others can never be filled by anyone. When this person leaves it creates a huge void.

Another birthday passes,  and we realized that our loved one will never call to wish us happy birthday ever again. This realization hits and hurts.  For me it has now been seven years since the passing of my brother and although the masses say it gets easier. My own experience tells me something different. The waves of grief do come. Sometimes the waves are small at other times they are like a Tsunami, you are totally submersed and can barely breathe. At other times waves come out of nowhere and sweep you off your feet. You are taken off guard, feel lost and wonder if life will ever be the same again.  The fact is it never will be. We must find a new normal through hope in Jesus Christ, who is our only hope in the midst of despair.

The reality of a loved ones passing may seem unachievable. Will it ever be? The question remains known. What we can hold true is that God in His infinite grace has brought so much joy from them being on this earth.  Many others gained so much from knowing our loved ones, not just during special moments and on special occasions, but every day. God in his omniscience knew their length of time on earth, the impact they would have and the legacy they would leave. The sting of death is agonizing. But the joy that their lives brought is everlasting.

How blessed and privileged we were to be a part of each others lives here on earth. Let us reflect then, on the joy the life of our loved ones brought us. Let us treasure the special moments, memories these moments created and carry on the legacy left behind. After all, isn’t that what our loved ones would have wanted?

 

Losing a loved one is painful. At times it seems you are coping. At other times you feel like a robot going through the motions. The truth is; your life will never be what it was. For me the moment my brother passed realization hit; I was now the remaining sibling of both my parents. That hurt deeply. Hearing them vocalize it, even more painful. Being around others who had siblings was hard, understanding those who were estranged from, or complained about a sibling seemed frivolous.

At times I just feel so angry though I know in my heart that it is our own wrong decisions which can have such life-altering consequences. It angers me even more to know that though the victim is gone, the alleged perpetrator has carried on with life as if nothing happened; making treasured memories, enjoying food, family, fellowship and the rest of their lives. The same life my brother could have lived to enjoy.

It is important to accept that the grief, it never leaves, it embraces and takes hold of you as nothing else will. There is no way around it, one just has to go through it. It changes you to the very core, your priorities change, goals are altered and ties severed. I wish I could say that one day you feel better, the sun comes out and grieving ends. The fact is you will grieve until you too take your last breath. This may seem odd but I take comfort in this.  I can take my beloved with me each minute of every hour, every hour of every day.  To many this may seem insufficient, for me it is sufficient because the time we shared was so beautiful. I treasure the God-given time then, and the memories even more so now.