Author: Sharon Myers

 

Losing a loved one is painful. At times it seems you are coping. At other times you feel like a robot going through the motions. The truth is; your life will never be what it was. For me the moment my brother passed realization hit; I was now the remaining sibling of both my parents. That hurt deeply. Hearing them vocalize it, even more painful. Being around others who had siblings was hard, understanding those who were estranged from, or complained about a sibling seemed frivolous.

At times I just feel so angry though I know in my heart that it is our own wrong decisions which can have such life-altering consequences. It angers me even more to know that though the victim is gone, the alleged perpetrator has carried on with life as if nothing happened; making treasured memories, enjoying food, family, fellowship and the rest of their lives. The same life my brother could have lived to enjoy.

It is important to accept that the grief, it never leaves, it embraces and takes hold of you as nothing else will. There is no way around it, one just has to go through it. It changes you to the very core, your priorities change, goals are altered and ties severed. I wish I could say that one day you feel better, the sun comes out and grieving ends. The fact is you will grieve until you too take your last breath. This may seem odd but I take comfort in this.  I can take my beloved with me each minute of every hour, every hour of every day.  To many this may seem insufficient, for me it is sufficient because the time we shared was so beautiful. I treasure the God-given time then, and the memories even more so now.

 

At times I do not feel I can make it. I wish I could just remain in bed and shut out the world. At times I wish I could join him. Sometimes I feel as if I have.

He did so much for me from the time we were children. He was my protector, my playmate, confidante, sister, partner in crime, counsellor, friend, ambassador, informant, advisor and so much more. The fact is that he was all these things to many, but when you were in his presence, you were all that mattered.

He was a man of substance, the one who could be called on at anytime. He knew so much about everything and was always willing to share. There is such a void, one unlike any other. I am forever changed. Everyone seems to expect you to brush it off. I cant! I need some reprieve! I am still expected to do, serve, love and care for. Father, I need someone on whom I can depend. The only one who has constantly been there is you. Thank you!

“One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple…Psalm 27:4

Back in Canada, it seems so weird that life around me goes on as if you did not ever exist. Tears stream down my face and my heart feels like it is breaking. Yet, I have to press on for the sake of my family. It really hurt to leave my Dad weeping uncontrollably at the airport. It took much inner strength to leave him. Oh God please grant some solution. While there I was frustrated and felt feelings of guilt especially since I am the only remaining child that my parents have together. The distance is just too much and too painful.

Please come back! I am so sorry we drifted apart, so many regrets. I spoke with you the Friday before, wish I had spoken to you longer. Not sure I can survive this. It just hurts too much!

I feel as if I could just run away from it all. There will have to be some changes in my life. God please sustain me as an employee, wife, mother and friend.

 

My brothers passing has caused me to see that many things we deem important in life are not. We think too much ourselves, think people should look at us, value us and uplift us when we are the ones who need to value and uplift ourselves.

The only surety in life once we are born is death and we need to ask God to help us live our lives according to His will and way. Nothing else is important. I am certain that if I continue to reflect on the short life and work of my dear brother I will realize that there is so much in my own that needs to be changed. I need to restructure and reassess my values, and prioritize things that are important.

My sweet brother, I miss you, but God will continue to comfort me in your absence. Love and miss you!

 

 

D,

I look at the funeral program and I am still in shock and disbelief. I wish this was a dream. I reminisce on times past, our childhood, teenage years and the short period of adulthood we shared. How am I going to make it without you?

Unfortunately, your passing has had a negative impact on my view of relationships. It feels so hopeless sometimes. Looking back, you paved the way for me, so I will try harder in my relationships, the thing is though you always, always, looked out for your little sister, this became my expectation in all relationships. I truly cannot imagine life without you in it. Just wish I had shown more love and appreciation towards you. Please forgive me.

Everyday we should tell our loved ones unreservedly how much we love or care about them. You did that and impacted everyone you met. May God grant me the strength to carry on. May he give me the peace which passes all understanding.

 

 

After devotions 7:30 a.m.

Dear God,

I bask in your peace. Nothing seems important anymore but living for you. Your word is a comfort to my grieving soul. My soul yearns for your comfort and love. My life is changed, purpose renewed, outlook altered. I put my hope and trust in you Lord; Author and Finisher of my faith.

 

So much to do I am confused. I start a new job in September and I will not be able to share my successes and obstacles with my big brother. Oh how I wish I had called you more often. Did you know how much you meant to me? I have so many memories.  I would give anything for one more moment. When I left in February I had no idea it would be the last time I would see you. If I had I would have hugged you tighter. You came and spent that time with me, and now more than ever I appreciate the sacrifice.

I am so proud of all your accomplishments. Many thought you would not amount to much, how they underestimated you and the man of character you would become. I am just sorry your son will never know just how great his father was.

Walk good my brother, til we meet again. I just know you are loving, helping, and having as much fun in heaven, as you did on earth.

In light of my brothers death so many questions have come to mind. Why not someone else? Why did he go riding? Why was he alone? Why, why, why? Only God knows all the answers. We will never know. I thank God that he was not alone when he died. God sent a guardian angel. He loved and had an active relationship with his Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. May God help us: my parents especially after having (unnaturally) lost a child to make it through this trying time of shock and bereavement.