Author: Sharon Myers

 

I have two beautiful daughters who have a loving and close relationship, they fight as siblings often do, interact, exchange secrets, create memories, laugh, chat and play. It often reminds me of the many memories I created over the years with my brother. I has caused me to reflect on the many memories we created playing, creating messes, disturbances, getting into mischief and just having a blast. I totally idolized him, he was my hero, my best friend, confidant and partner in crime. We had so many plans together; we wanted to raise our families in close proximity and we were so close to meeting many of our goals. But, life has a way of throwing us curve balls.

One weekend, my elder daughter had to be out of town for a volleyball tournament. Her little sister was, initially, excited about having the room all to herself, doing whatever she liked and even said she wouldn’t miss her. I did not  interfere or intervene but it did make me a bit sad. After all, I would give anything for one more moment with my own brother and yet here she was rejoicing. Eventually, however, the solitude became too much for her and she looked lost. She seemed unlike herself and as if major part of her was missing….she just seemed to feel incomplete. It reminded me of how I felt after the loss. I too felt; incomplete, lost, empty and somewhat helpless. I went through many faces of grief, each of which varied in intensity (anger, despair, hopelessness, loneliness). Life itself lost its meaning and my personal purpose and motivation were forever altered.

Experiencing loss is life changing, but our beloved father is standing beside us when we feel alone, carrying us when we feel like faltering and is our source of joy and hope when we feel sad and discouraged. When others have stopped calling and gone on with their lives, He is always standing there with His arms outstretched to comfort and sustain us…He it is that doth go with thee. He is our Hope in the Midst of Despair.

Loss is loss. Whether one has experienced loss of a loved one by; suicide, illness or an accident, whether they have lost a pet, a relationship/friendship, job, child (born or unborn) it is extremely hard to whether the storm. Loss often feels like your world has suddenly and inexplicably spiraled out of control or come to an abrupt end. So why does everyone around you continue on with their life as if nothing happened? The question remains: Do each of these forms of loss always fall in line with God’s plan or will for the lives of those involved and affected? In this weeks post we will focus on loss of a loved one via suicide.

Suicide maybe unequivocally, the hardest means of loss that anyone has to go through. Also it is the one type of loss that can never be deemed as God’s will. God loves us so very much that he would never, ever want us to intentionally inflict pain on ourselves. In fact, he hopes that we would not reject the gift of life he has so lovingly bestowed upon us, by prematurely ending it.

I have been impacted directly and indirectly by suicide and attempted suicide and have never been able to understand why one would take their own life, until I lost my brother. Life without him just did not seem worthwhile. I immediately regretted passing judgement on those who had thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide or had committed suicide. I have shared my feelings with countless others, and if I was to draw anything from what we shared in many of our sessions it is this: There is nothing more painful than the powerlessness of the bystander, onlooker and loved one. More often than not the individual has been struggling with depression or some form of mental illness. At other times there is no warning. In any scenario, one thing holds true, if a person is determined to end it, there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. This makes it even more challenging to handle, in fact, it causes indescribable pain for loved ones. All we can do is be there for them, love them, encourage them, share with them and more importantly pray without ceasing.

Death of a loved one is hard enough without the extreme circumstances which surround it. An illness can in many ways prepare loved ones for ones passing and though it does not make the process easier, it does make it easier to accept. In the case of an unexpected accident it is similarly challenging because of its unexpectedness. An accident is just that, unexpected and unintentional something that no-one meant to happen. Suicide on the other hand, though unexpected is very much intentional. This makes it virtually impossible accept. Why would my loved one take their own life? Was it something that I did or did not do? Was there anything I could have done to prevent it?

In all of this we must keep focused on this: the God who created us did so because our lives are valuable  and extremely precious to Him. Although none of us had a hand or choice of being born, the fact is we have been granted the privilege of time here on earth. With that privilege comes much responsibility. This responsibility should not be taken lightly. Our time on earth may be challenging, difficult and emotionally painful at times. But most of us also have wonderful experiences, have created memories and built meaningful relationships. Our actions as much as we fail to acknowledge it, impacts those around us. What kind of legacy do we want to leave? Pain, despair, hopelessness, sadness, unanswered questions, uncertainty and remorse?  Nobody can give one determined to end it, a valid reason not to, but God our creator does have the final say: Choose life with me. “I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you”.

 

 

Accepting loss as God’s will is one of the hardest things you will ever do.  Death in particular is heart wrenching so why would God’s will be for someone to die? When loss happens the last thing anyone wants to hear is: “Well maybe it is just God’s will”. Loss creates feelings of sadness, despair, hopelessness, anger, and self-hate. When one is going through loss, acceptance of loss as God’s will is simply not an option.

Is loss really Gods’ will? The truth is the bible puts great emphasis and value of the acceptance of God’s will in the face of loss. To believers, death should be a triumphant transition from a life filled with hard work, endless challenges, sickness, pain and in many cases suffering, to eternal joy and peace. For those who are left behind however, triumphing is easier said than done. Let’s face it, our loved ones have been a part of us and when they leave a part of us goes with them. We are never the same. There is a gaping hole in our hurting hearts and a space now empty where our loved one once stood. We think of them the minute we open our eyes and they are the last thing we think of when we lay down our heads. The emotional pain is indescribable.

Loss of any kind can be emotionally difficult. We are told that as believers it should be viewed as a sign, God possibly preparing us for something better, God preventing us from major catastrophe or getting us back on the right path. This oversimplifies a complicated situation. Nevertheless, this is a major step in moving forward with our lives. Avoiding the loss, trying to suppress the pain simply does not work. We cannot go around it, we must go through it and it is hard work. Work that many of us just are neither willing, nor strong enough to undertake. We must seek the help of our heavenly father to carry us through. This is the only way.

Avoiding grief or the grieving process can be detrimental. It can affect our health, relationships, performance on the job and so much more. The bible speaks about so many in the bible who dealt with loss. Job, David, Jacob, Mary and Ruth are prime examples of individuals in the bible who experienced indescribable pain as they went through loss of various kinds. Over the next few posts we will explore various types of loss and how they can drastically impact our lives. There are different types of loss: death of a loved one by; suicide, illness or an accident; the end of a relationship, miscarriage, divorce, retirement, job loss and much more. Do each of these forms of loss always fall in line with God’s plan or will for the lives of those affected? Surrendering your will to God’s is hard enough, accepting whatever unfolds in your life, especially loss is even harder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anger is the face of grief that is in my opinion most common, especially if the loss was sudden or unexpected. Although it is identified as one of the stages of grief it is now understood that not everyone goes through these various stages of grief. Anger may not be a part of everyones grieving experience. It may instead manifest itself as us lashing out at someone in frustration. Regardless it is a possibility, and an emotion that can quickly arise within us, one which is extremely powerful and intense. It is less felt and expressed. I felt it when realization hit, that I had lost my brother forever. The anger was unlike any feeling of anger I had had in the past.  Getting angry does not necessarily mean one will lose control and do the unimaginable. I never did lose control, but I was still very angry at my brother, I was mad at myself. I was angry at the driver who struck him, and, I was angry at God for allowing it to happen.

I am sure nothing is wrong with being angry with your self and others, as anger itself is not sinful. But is it okay to be angry with God? To answer the question let us use our handbook the scripture. The bible speaks of several people in both in the Old and New Testament who expressed anger towards God. David often, openly expressed anger towards God in the book of Psalms. He wondered if God had left him alone and to the mercy of his foes. In the midst of his despair he cried out to God. Jonah also expressed anger (though unjustified) towards God. The question remains. It is okay to be angry with God?

In the New Testament there are examples of individuals being angry and even displaying anger towards God but the Bible also is very clear that we should not dwell on our anger as it could harm us or cause us to harm others. In Ephesians, we are cautioned by our heavenly father to avoid anger. In the book of Proverbs too it states that nobody likes to hang around angry people. What benefit does anger actually have? In general it causes stress, anxiety and can lead to medical problems. The bible says be anxious for nothing. If we really stop and reflect, our anger, stress, or frustration does nothing to change what is. We need to just cast our cares upon Him. Easier said than done? I know…

The fact is though that the only person who can help us is our heavenly father. What he thinks of us is what really matters in the grand scheme of things is the creator and Lord of All. What does he think of us? He loves us unconditionally. He loves when we pour out our hearts filled with emotion to him.  Anger is an emotion. We must however remember that this same God toward whom we are expressing our anger is the one who loves us the most in this life.  We may not understand why we are going through a loss of any kind, but we can trust that God will be there for us and will work all things out for our good.

Are you kidding me? You may say. How can loss workout for any kind of good? That is the thing about God and His ways, they are beyond our human understanding. What is interesting to note is that we may start out being angry with the one who created us, but in the long run He will never turn His back on us, even if we try to turn away from Him. In Psalms although David started out angry with God he always ended up trusting, giving thanks, praising and rejoicing.

This is why in Psalms  he said:

But I have trusted in thy lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in they salvation. I will sing unto Jehovah, Because he hath dealt bountifully with me.

Below are scripture for your reference:

Old Testament

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Psalm 22:1

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my groaning?

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Psalm 13:1-4

How long, O Jehovah? wilt though forget me for ever? How long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, Having sorrow in my heart all they day? How long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Jehovah my God: Lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death; Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; Lest mine adversaries rejoice when I am moved.

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Jonah 4:1

But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

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Jonah 4:4

Then said the Lord, Doest thou well to be angry?

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Job 3:3a

May the day of my birth perish.

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Proverbs 14:17

He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated.

Proverbs 22:24

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

New Testament

Ephesians 4:26

Be ye angry, and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath.

 

 

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Hearing the News

I spoke with him the night before. I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember thinking that our conversation was unusually brief. The morning of July 16th 2011, my family and I had planned to go on a bicycle ride together.  I woke up feeling uneasy, tried to shake the feeling but just could not. The family went for the bicycle ride, as planned and for some reason my senses were inexplicably heightened. The scenery stood out much more, its beauty seemed magnified, the flowers smelled fresher and birds sounded perfectly exquisite. Everything touched me on a spiritual level and though I was amazed and enraptured, I just could not figure out why.

I returned home and went about all the tasks a wife and mom undertakes on the weekend, breakfast with all the trimmings, laundry and cleaning.  I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Then the phone rang.  I answered the phone. It was my mom. She sounded so strange. She asked to speak to my husband who was in the shower. I gave him the phone, heard him say hello and then I heard deafening silence. I think I knew then that something was terribly wrong so I ran. I ran out of our bedroom, ran downstairs and sat on the sofa. For him showers usually take much longer, but he came downstairs rather quickly. I looked at his face and knew something bad had happened. I thought something had happened to my Dad as he had been hospitalized the February prior.

Rohan sat on the couch beside me and took my hand,  “Your brother was in an accident”  he said, “Is he going to be okay?” I said, “I am so sorry, he is gone.” he said. I recall nothing that happened thereafter. I ran from the living room, and outside to our backyard. He came after me and tried to hold me but I shouted “No, no!” and pushed him away. I went out our side gate to the front of our house and sat on the verandah and just sobbed uncontrollably. I did not care who saw me or how I looked. It was as if time stood still. The pain was simply excruciating.

Looking back, it all seemed to happen in slow mention. The day is still a blur. The news spread like wild fire and people from all over the world some of whom I don’t even know called or stopped by. I remember messages in my inbox, phone calls and text messages all from individuals extending their sympathies. I was stunned, numb and mute. My children ages 1 and 5 both took a nap at the same time that day, which was unprecedented. The Lord knew I needed that reprieve. I was so distraught I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Then suddenly, I remembered the bicycle ride that morning and realized something: God in His infinite beauty was ushering my brother home possibly at that very moment. This  is why He caused my spirit to be more vitally aware of things in the natural. Somehow, in the midst of my anguish and pain, I felt comforted. The pain did not go away, but it did, for a moment, subside and I was able to reminisce with affection and recall the wonderful memories that we had shared. Some of these memories where recent, others were in the past. I thanked God for affording me the opportunity to spend the time we had together, and I will cherish them completely until we meet again.

 

 

You may be wondering well your brother passed in 2011. Why did you wait so long to do this? The truth is I was so overcome with grief it felt as if the world for me had stopped, yet everyone else was carrying on with their lives as if nothing happened. To me this just seemed so unfair. I remember going into a busy supermarket shortly after his death and wanting to shout: “stop everyone don’t you realize that my brother died!

The fact is life does go on, and while it did feel like my life stopped, around me everything continued. I had a job, children and a husband that still needed loving care and attention. I realized I could not afford to lay in bed for the rest of my life (that is really what I felt like doing). Moving on brought with it guilt. Guilt that I was still around and he was not. He would no longer enjoy playing with his young son and spending quality time with his beautiful wife. This does nothing to appease the grieving process, if anything it exacerbates it.

Is it my fault that my loved one died? It is actually quite common for a loved one to (very unrealistically) blame themselves for the death of a loved one. Why wasn’t I there? Why didn’t I  move more quickly to get there in time. I know for me I experienced much guilt that I lived in another part the world; that I was not able to be there for him as he passed and be there for my parents after they learned of his passing. It took me one whole week to get home. Was there anything else I could have done?

The comfort of the Holy Spirit is the only thing that kept me going, was my comfort and carried me when I felt like faltering. It is my hope that this site will be of help to those who are going through any of the many faces of grief. That it will provide comfort and support, and that others will feel free to share personal experiences that could potentially change, uplift someones elses life/spirit and relieve them of the heavy weight of guilt.

For most people the holidays represent good times spent with loving family. All over the world regardless of the holiday or celebration families come together to eat, fellowship, talk, laugh and love. When you share special moments with people you love, it creates memories and makes the occasion even more meaningful. When one of those that you love is suddenly taken or you experience some form of loss, grief overtakes you. It can totally consume you; the first thing you think of when you rise and the last thing you think of when you lay down your head at night.

Grief is one of the most unpredictable challenges one can work through. At first it seems as if life stopped and you simply cannot see past each moment. Then, when the the fog begins to lift you can see glimpses of hope. But then, grief like a sea billowing hits you over unexpectedly. When you try to get up and put the pieces together you realize you are standing on shards of your heart.

Please understand that this is merely an indication of how one may feel at certain points especially during the holidays. It does not mean we are without hope. As God’s own we are never without hope. Hope keeps us going despite our circumstances: “All things are possible if you believe.” Mark 9:23

Some simply forget or do not realize the anguish or pain the holiday brings for those who are grieving. As a result they ask questions and say things that seem insensitive: So it must be hard for you around this time right? I guess I shouldn’t ask how you are doing; or my personal favourite: Merry Christmas!

The truth is, stating the obvious just does not help around this time. The best we can do for loved ones coping with grief, is to just be there for them whether they need to talk, need you to listen, or a shoulder to cry on.

When supporting someone who has experienced loss, think before you speak. You never know what someone may be going through. Allow yourself to be leaned on and be willing to help carry the burden. The holidays just are not the best time of year for for everyone. For more ways to cope visit: http://www.veronicaanne.com/coping-christmas-holidays/

As the one who is grieving, do something unrelated or non-traditional. It will provide a temporary escape. Do something special in memory of the deceased loved one. They would want you to enjoy the rest of your life. Prayer is a powerful tool, the scripture encourages us to pray without ceasing.  Prayer is always beneficial. Immerse yourself in God’s word and encourage yourself in the Lord as David did.